Exploitation Nation

Angel of Heat (1983)
D. Merl A. Shreiberman

Full Frame DVD

This ridiculous starring vehicle for porn starlet Marilyn Chambers starts off promisingly enough. With ENTER THE DRAGON inspired opening credits that feature Chambers performing really shitty karate moves complete with the strobing effect from that classic. But since that clearly isn’t enough to hook an audience in they have Chambers go full frontal nude as well. Then add a weird effect that has her fade to sketches of herself periodically that have nothing to do with anything.  I noticed right away that she has some odd looking tits. I dunno if she had some really early 70’s implants or just oddball boobs but they sit really far apart and seem rather hard. Like they don’t want to move from the perch on either side of her boney chest. Otherwise she’s an attractive lady. I’ve seen her in recent years at conventions and she still looks really good actually. Her new boob job is much nicer in fact.

The plot has her working for a secret agent cabal that does mop up missions for the US government that are so dangerous even they don’t want to know about them. Her group is called THE PROTECTORS and she is a perfect weapon, or so we are told. Mean while Mary Woronov and her goofy dude sidekick Stephen Johnson are assigned by another secret government agency to find out who is stealing high tech microchips and why. Woronov is a nymphomaniac who will bed down anyone and anything while Johnson is a goofy genius of the “aw shucks” variety. We get to see Chambers in action when she catches an intruder played by fellow porn star Randy West and proceeds to bang him. up until now the movie has been a little silly but relatively played straight. But suddenly it becomes a slapstick comedy with West badly dubbed with a Chinese accent AND subtitled in English with subs that don’t match what he is saying at all. It is  a weird joke that really isn’t funny as much as it is disconcerting an disorienting. Plus my friends and I couldn’t figure out who he was and kept commenting on how he looked like Marjo Gortner.

Eventually our leads all separately end up on an island where a reclusive genius is working on some top secret scientific mumbo jumbo, More importantly he is the spitting image of a really strange dude who comes into my work, except this guy in the movie wears silk pants and a cape. though I could see the guy from work doing that too if people would let him. Johnson and Woronov go to a disco with the dudes stacked wife, but this disco has mud wrestling and naked dancing girls. Upstairs at the disco some sort of shenanigans are going on that we never actually see but hear about second hand that deal with blackmailing of employees to steal the microchips so dude with the cape can use them in his secret schemes to take over the world. Chambers tries to get into the club and has to get all hot with a midget who looks like Gary Busey and rides her like a pony (probably the movie’s highlight). She puts a Vulcan death grip on him and gets her info, which really isn’t anything at all. Eventually all the good guys end up working together and figure out the nutty cape man is creating androids (who love to have sex) to take over the world, and are controlled by sound. turns out his sexy wife is an android and she has fallen in love with Woronov after their heated round of mud wrestling at the disco. Lots of guys in thongs and speedos prance around as androids making my friend Mike really nervous and there is a lame climax with cheap ass melting robots and bad slapstick comedy.

Intentionally bad movies are a particularly painful breed. Bad because you have no money, or no talent, or no patience for the production are all fine and good. Bad just because things didn’t work out in your favor and the odds were against you is fine too. But bad because you set out to make a movie that is intentionally stupid to try to get laughs is often just insulting and irritating. ANGEL OF HEAT is one of those movies. Occasionally it is amusing, mostly when Mary Woronov is on screen since she is always fun to watch and gives her all. But this is such a threadbare and embarrassing production that to have it all be so purposely inane makes it feel like being in a room with a friend who wants to get on your nerves.

Weirdly enough the opening credits actually read ANGEL OF HEAT: THE PROTECTORS BOOK #1 so it looks like they were wanting to launch some sort of low budget comedy/ espionage series. Clearly that didn’t happen. If they had played it more straight and went for a more action/exploitation feel ala Andy Sidaris they could have been onto something. But it missed the boat.

2009-03-15

05:55:25

Andy Copp

This is the final installment of the experiment of the 2008 lists. We’ve let the lady of the group go last with her  round up for 2008. The brainy and beautiful Juliet Fromholt has decided to give us her thoughts on the movies of the last year. Juliet has her own blog where she talks about everything from radio to politics and back again called Mass Hipster-ia so go check it out for a healthy change of pace from the sleazy ride we provide around here. She also hosts a couple of great music programs on Yellow Springs, Ohio based indie radio WYSO 91.3 FM, On Wed 8:00 to 11:00 she has Kaleidoscope (formerly Excursions) which features all kinds of indie and obscure rock mixed in with pretty much what ever she feels the itch for, and every other Sunday she co-hosts Alpha Rythms which features a wide variety of music you can chill to, including a lot of ambient driven world music, Indian stuff and other mood altering tunes to get you through the night.  All of which you can listen to on-line at the newly updated WYSO website. So support independent media and give them and Juliet a listen. You’ll be glad you did.

So without further ado, lets give the lady a chance to speak her mind.
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Here’s my list!!! The logic is 7 good movies, two bad movies, and a list of things I haven’t seen somehow works out to be ten

The Best:

1. Persepolis – Okay, okay…so technically this one came out in 2007, but allow me to explain. I live in Dayton, OH, which is home to 2 art houses, neither of which gets movies right after they’re released. So long story short unless I wanted to drive to New York, late January of 2008 was my first opportunity to see this film. Now, onto the actual review: Persepolis is one of my favorite graphic novels, and the film really does the book justice. Granted, there are some things in the movie that they gloss over for time constraints, but go read the book to fill in those gaps. The animation is stunning and paints a beautiful portrait of a world we owe it to ourselves to become more educated about.

2. Slumdog Millionaire – very rarely do I disagree with NPR, but to the reviewer on Fresh Air that blasted this film, I must say nay. I really don’t know how it’s possible to come away from this movie and not be moved. What an intense story set against the backdrop of an India we don’t see in a lot of Bollywood films, the slums. Featuring music by one off my favorite Eastern composers and brilliant performances by all cast members, this is a must-see.

3. Cadillac Records – Before I saw this, someone warned me that it would just be another movie to glorify Beyonce Knowles, but Cadillac Records is nothing of the sort. A wonderful history of Chess Records, which focuses largely on Muddy Waters as opposed to Beyonce’s Etta James, this was fun and interesting. A must-see for music fans.

4. Iron Man – I didn’t know I that I had the hots for Robert Downey Jr until I saw this movie, but apparently I do. Although I’m a giant comic nerd, I wouldn’t count Iron Man as one of my favorite characters. This movie really has me thinking that I need to go read some back issues because the character was so interesting. Bonus points to this one for the whole “One man takes a stand against the problem he’s helped create and in doing so, looks out for the little guy” theme.

5. X-Files: I Want to Believe – Despite my bitching my loud exasperated outbursts in the theater (“Where the @#%* are the @#%*ing aliens?!”), it’s the first new X-files action I’ve had to feed my addiction since I graduated high school. Also, let’s all pause and reflect on how hot Gillian Anderson is in all the promotional pictures…

6. Wizard of Gore – This one really surprised me. The sheer fact that the word “gore” was in the title made me think that this would not be my cup of tea. However, a very twisted plot that was one part The Prestige, one part American Psycho, and one part From Hell kept me not just awake, but trying to unravel the mystery. Plus, who doesn’t like a movie about a steam-punker boy, Crispin Glover, and a bunch of Suicide Girls in a twisted magic show?

7. Mama Mia – say what you will about it being a chick flick or Pierce Brosnan’s sub par singing, but this movie is just so much fun. I don’t think I’d recommend this movie to everyone, but if you feel like a cheesy good time in which you sing, dance and get in touch with your feminine side (or if you want to practice for your own ABBA tribute band), rent it.

The Worst:

1. Cloverfield – The sheer fact that this movie’s supposedly edgy hand-held camera style made me so nauseous that I had to stare at my shoes for over half of it makes it a candidate for the Worst list. I couldn’t even enjoy myself rolling my eyes at the weak characters who could still remain witty during a disaster, the seeming miracle camcorder and it’s battery sent from the heavens that never runs out, or the sizing changing dumb-looking monster that can shake a city but the main character can’t hear when it’s right behind him. Why couldn’t I roll my eyes? Because I would have thrown up.

2. Smart People – Smart People…it sounds promising enough, doesn’t it? Or at least, it sounded like my kind of movie. It tried so hard to be my kind of movie that I ended up hating it with every fiber of my being. The characters were unsympathetic and dull. However, the worst parts were the long stretches between the dialogue during which various characters would do things: smoke cigarettes, read, walk, all very pensively to a wannabe indie rock soundtrack. Ick, ick, ick.

The Rest:
You’re probably wondering about the absence of many films from my list and why it’s so short. Well here’s just a taste of the movies from 08 that I still need to see: WallE, The Dark Knight, The Band’s Visit, The Wrestler, Milk, Hellboy 2, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas…

Yep, We’ve lost ANOTHER one folks. The last few months have been really bad for losing legends in this business. Rudy Ray Moore, Bettie Page, Bill Landis, and now the unforgettable Ray Dennis Steckler. He passed away on January 7, 2009 at the age of 70 after a long battle with heart problems. He had been in and out of the hospital for several days and finally passed away in his sleep.

Steckler is much loved in the cult film community for his off kilter and totally unique independent films that burned up drive in screens beginning in the 60’s. He began working with Fairaway Films, the company owned by Arch Hall Sr. that generally were a vehicle for his son Arch Hall Jr. that made teen films for the drive in market. Steckler’s first gig was assistant cameraman to the great Vilmos Zsigmond on the now classic caveman extravaganza Eegah!!! starring Richard  Keel and Arch Hall Jr. After the success of that flick Steckler was bumped up to director for his first film, also an Arch Hall Jr. vehicle called Wild Guitar, a gritty indictment of the music business. Steckler also starred in the film as the main heavy under his pseudonym “Cash Flagg“.

Soon Ray Dennis Steckler was to branch out on his own and make the movie that would make hims famous. The world’s first horror, monster musical, featuring a lovely leggy woman who would become his wife for a number years named Carolyn Brandt. The film was called The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies. Easily one of the best exploitation titles in the history of cinema, though the workers at theaters who had to do the marquees hated Steckler for it. This was also the first film where Steckler started using gimmicks to promote his flicks. For this one he promoted that the movie was in “monster-vision” and would have people dressed as the ghouls in the film run into the audiences and drive-ins of certain cities to scare the pants off the patrons. It worked. The movie, though never huge, was a moderate success and claimed a place in the exploitation pantheon.

His next film showed that he could be a serious filmmaker as well. Mixed Up Zombies, is more of a lark, fun, goofy and totally off the wall. But The Thrill Killers is something else entirely. Gritty, spare, mean spirited and actually suspenseful, it is the movie most people point to as being Steckler’s masterpiece. Shot in black and White it evokes the best elements of Film Noir and the writings of Jim Thompson. Once again it features Carolyn Brandt and Cash Flagg in the lead roles establishing them as his main repoirtory actors. This was also successful on the drive in circuit.

Steckler branched out on hs next film. Actually a series of shorts collected into one film called The Lemon Grove Kids Meet The Monsters. A love letter to the East Side Kids films of the 30’s these are sweet natured, fun throwbacks to a time gone by. There is nothing scary, no violence, just lots of shenanigans and goofiness that the whole family can enjoy.

For the next film he started out with a return to the mood of The Thrill Killers. A mean and violent kidnap drama about a woman who is nabbed by some thugs and her boyfriend and buddy who have to get her back before she’s done for. But as Steckler puts it. He got bored halfway through shooting and wanted to do something else. So the story changed completely and suddenly the boyfriend and his buddy became Rat PFink A Boo Boo (the typesetter on the titles forgot the rest of the word “and” and Ray couldn’t afford to get them redone, so the title is now and forever Rat PFink A Boo Boo costumed Superhero’s with no real super powers who ride around on a motorcycle yelling “Fight Crime!“. There’s lots of backyard rockabilly music and witty dialogue such as an early exchange between the heroes: Boo Boo- “What’s our only weakness Rat Fink?” Rat PFink- “Hmmm. Bullets!” The Final movie is a weirdo treat with the first half being a taut thriller and then the heroes go into a closet about midway through and come out as the superheroes and it becomes a different movie altogether! This film is probably the one that best shows why people love Steckler and his work, as it is cinema at its most free and nonjudgmental. It is story tellinig kind of like those Choose your Own Adventure books we read as kids. Totally charming and irresistible.

I don’t know if it was for financial reasons or what but for Steckler’s next film he dipped his feet into the murky water’s of the sexploitation arena. In 1969 this was still softcore but is still quite a jump from Rat PFink A Boo Boo to Sinthia the Devil’s Doll. The weird thing is that Sinthia is almost an art film. It delivers what it promises in the area of sloppy softcore sex, much of it incest based with the teenage Sinthia wanting to bop her daddy. But the direction on the film is filled with heavy saturated colors, gelled lighting and weirdo filters. I would almost swear the movie was a homage to Kenneth Anger’s work at times, as obsessed as it is with color, framing and occult themes. So even though it is Steckler’s entry into the netherworld of sex film, it is in some ways one of his most interesting pictures too.
Body Fever was next, which was Steckler’s all and all out Film Nior. Having not seen this one, I really can’t comment on it too much. I have it on my shelf and need to visit with it. It looks interesting to say the least.

Then Steckler jumped into the pornography game with both feet with back to back hardcore pictures, both with horror overtones. Mad Love Life of a Hot Vampire  and The Horny Vampire (both 1971) were his introduction to the pure smut world. I have not seen Mad Love Life, But The Horny Vampire is very silly stuff, spending more time with the title role played by Vincent Alexander (the Sheik from Ilsa harem keeper Of the Oil Sheiks) running around Las Vegas trying to get laid. It’s a fish out of water comedy story that has hardcore sex every few minutes. It is pretty clear that Steckler is more interested in the goofy comedy than the sex scenes. Both films are directed under his non de plume Sven Christian.

Later that year he bounced back with the movie that is my favorite of his films, though many of his fans hate it. The incomparable Blood Shack also known as The Chooper. Easily his most bizarre movie to date, it tells the tale of a washed up actress, played by Carolyn Brandt who inherits a dessert property. But on this property an deadly spirit called The Chooper has been murdering people for years (only the white trash handyman/groundskeeper is ever left alive, and the two little kids from the neighboring house played by Steckler and Brandt’s daughters). The movie is moody as hell, with a windswept landscape that is hypnotizing. The music is awesome, and even though the acting is all over the place, there is something about it that suckers me in every time. Add to this the fact that this was shot just after Steckler and Brandt had gotten a divorce and there is an air of melancholy and sadness that permeates every frame. The camera looks at her from afar, watching her as if for the last time. The kids are a hoot too. The scene where they describe how The Chooper will kill you and eat you up is pretty hilarious and good acting for kids that couldn’t be older that four or five. This is the steckler movie I can watch anytime.

After Blood Shack he delved into the murky world of pornography pretty much full time. Using various pseudonyms such as Sven Christian, or Cindy Lou Strutters, he made well over a dozen hardcore films over the next decade or so. Most of them have the oddball qaulity that mark them instantly as a Ray Dennis Steckler film as per usual the content around the sex seems to have more weight than the sex scenes themselves. Take for example one Perverted Passion about a disgusting Peeping Tom who goes around watching people have sex, when he isn’t going to hookers himself and strangling them. There’s a side story about a guy on a motorcycle ripping people off too. Really far too much plot for a hardcore film, and the sex scenes involving the peeping tom and gross as the guy is fat, disgusting and has the smallest dick in the history of porn cinema. But the movie around all that is pretty engrossing and weird as hell. Typical of Steckler, he would mine the footage from this film and several other of his hardcore features and re-cut them into short non-hardcore movies that would be used as extra’s on his DVD’s years later.

In 1979 he would finally get out of the porno gutter and direct another thriller called The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher. Shot for literally peanuts (probably his lowest budget legit movie) and starring his Ex-wife Carolyn Brandt once again this told the story of two serial killers at work, one a woman and one a dude and how they would eventually have to meet. Shot completely MOS meaning without sync sound, this was elemental filmmaking at its most base. But it had a little bit of gore and did well on video a few years later.

Steckler went back to the porno world and did some more movies such as Debbie Does Las Vegas. He came topside once again in 1986 with Las Vegas Serial Killer a movie he wa shooting when a British television crew decided to devote an episode to him. That Show was The Incredibly Strange Film Show (I geuss they really liked Steckler) hosted by one Johnathan Ross. This show aired on The Discovery channel a few years later in the United States and opened the flood gates for cult cinema for many people. Their episode on Steckler is particularly entertaining as they go behind the scenes on Las Vegas Serial Killer even giving Johnathan Ross a cameo where he gets robbed.

After this Steckler opened his own video store in Las Vegas and worked that successfully for man years. He retained the copyrights to his films and leased them where there was interest. Most recently Media Blasters put out deluxe special editions of pretty much all his classics with commentaries, interviews and shorts. They are most have discs and are now available in box sets simply called “Midnight Movies I & II” The first couple of films have the original cover art, but then from Blood Shack on they went with horrible Ward Bolt photography cover art that sucks balls. Which is my only complaint with the discs.

Steckler continued to make films up until his death. When he died he was working on two films, something called “One More Time” and ” Incredibly Strange Creatures 2” .

Ray Dennis Steckler was a true maverick filmmaker, who did everything on his own, by his own terms. No one stood in his way or told him what to do. His films are unique, fun, honest and all around entertaining movies that are unlike anyone else’s. But even more importantly by all accounts he was a kind man, whom everyone seemed to like and respect. I’ve never heard a bad word or story about Ray Dennis Steckler. Plus he was the pioneer of independent cinema, he was out there doing it when most of the others who broke out in the seventies where sitting in the their own poop. He deserves a special place in the Hollywood pantheon.

Here is a link to an article on Fangoria’s website by Tom Weaver where Arch hall Jr. talks about his friend and working with him. As well as the last few days they spent together. It is very touching.

We’ll miss you Ray. You were something else.

Andy Copp
2009-01-10
17:19:35

Nick Williams was a student of mine a few years ago and has become a good friend. He has his own today.com blog Celluloid Psychosis   where he reviews pretty much everything he watches. He’s a devote of everything from Jean Claude Van Damme to cinematic surrealism to out and out guttertrash. And most importantly for you ladies, he’s single and ready to mingle!

So here is the Nick Williams list of the best and worst of 2008!

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2008:

(Note: This is a more of a “preliminary” list.  I’ll be posting a bigger, revised version on my own blog in the near future.)

10. HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY - While DARK KNIGHT may win out as best superhero flick of the year in most people’s eyes, I’d say it’s a close tie between that and Guillermo del Toro’s sequel to his underrated supernatural fantasy about a demonic government agent vanquishing sinister forces.  I’d say this may even be better than the first (and that’s coming from somebody who loves the first).  Del Toro once again proves himself to be a master at evoking a sense of wonder with his films, weaving a concrete adventure with plenty of fun action and enticing fantasy imagery, but also plenty of pathos and heartwarming characters.

9. DARK KNIGHT - Well, I guess it’s pretty much mandatory that this be included in any end of year list at this point.  But yes, the second installment in the rebooted Batman franchise is an excellent superhero movie, more than likely one of the best, although honestly I think I still prefer BATMAN BEGINS over it.  The film reinforces that director Christopher Nolan’s decision to reject the fantastical, over-the-top (and in some cases blatantly homoerotic) style of previous adaptations and apply a grounded, more realistic approach was definitely the best, as it seems to be the one most suited for the material.  The story is mature and intelligent, the action gritty and visceral, Christian Bale is again awesome as the billionaire-turned-vigilante Bruce Wayne (and I sincerely think one of this generation’s best actors), as well as the rest of the cast being strong (especially Aaron Eckhart).  Then of course there’s Heath Ledger’s turn as The Joker.  So much has already been said about his demented performance that I won’t go in depth on it, but yes it does steal the show.

 

8. RED - The latest in a recent line of adaptations of the works of horror/suspense writer Jack Ketchum might very well be the best, if not at least the most accurate.  The riveting, nearly Oscar-worthy lead performance by Brian Cox is glue that holds together this revenge drama about a man on a quest for justice for the cold-blooded murder of his beloved dog.  Its bleak tone and avoidance of thriller conventions almost brought to mind NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN for me.

7. DIARY OF THE DEAD - Fuck CLOVERFIELD, George A. Romero’s latest effort in the zombie genre that he created is the true horror “verite” film of the year (along with the Spanish [REC], but it hasn’t been released yet so I’m not counting it).  Instead of just using the “found footage” premise as a marketing ploy like so many others, Romero is able to use it as a vehicle to intelligently explore how the mass media and technology can affect the reality of events.  I think it might be the best horror movie I’ve seen this year.

6. BIG BANG LOVE, JUVENILE A - Japanese maverick Takashi Miike is definitely one of my all-time favorite filmmakers.  Many people, including Miike himself, have deemed this his magnum opus.  While I may not completely agree, this definitely is up there as one of his best efforts, a somber existential prison drama with an underlying homoeroticism.  A surreal production design reminiscent of German expressionism, unique direction, and overall otherworldly tone.

5. RAMBO - Sly Stallone continues his solid comeback, following his sincere conclusion to the ROCKY franchise, with a reboot of his other famous character.  Like with ROCKY BALBOA, people expected a pathetic, laughable vanity piece with a past-his-prime star longing to relive his days as an action hero.  But instead we get a mature commentary on war wrapped up in an action flick that is dark, savage, grim, and grounded in a harsh reality.  Stallone does away with the macho patriotic fantasy of the earlier sequels and harks back to the bitter, cynical tone of FIRST BLOOD.  This is the true John Rambo, a warrior who is self-loathing, weary, and psychologically embattled.  I think this is personally the best action film I’ve seen in years.

4. THERE WILL BE BLOOD - Paul Thomas Anderson’s gloomy drama that explores the conflict between business and spirituality and how the extremes of each can corrupt is an eerie, poignant tour de force.  Consummate acting by Daniel Day-Lewis, solid direction, and a mesmerizing sound design.

3. PHILOSOPHY OF A KNIFE - Andrey Iskanov might very well be the best filmmaker working in the underground today.  He is willing to go farther artistically than most micro-budget directors are these days and has the gift to take minuscule resources and turn them into arresting and disturbing opuses of a unique, imaginative vision.  While his previous experimental horror films dealt with the thin boundaries of reality, this epic documentary delves into humanity’s capacity for sheer depravity and sadism by examining the macabre experiments conducted by the Japanese army Unit 731 during World War II.  The result is not just a movie, but a hypnotically hellish experience.

2. THE FALL - Tarsem Singh’s follow-up to THE CELL took 6 years to complete and was shot in over 18 countries, but despite its epic proportions it was swept under the rug for a couple years and dumped into a puny release where it was utterly ignored.  It’s a damn shame, because it’s a beautiful, spellbinding film that evokes the works of Guillermo del Toro and Terry Gilliam in how it allegorically blends wondrous fairy tale fantasy and poignant coming-of-age drama.

1. WALL-E - Like a lot of people, I was completely caught unawares by this.  The early trailers did nothing but inspire annoyance (and mild loathing because it looked like they had ripped off Johnny Five from SHORT CIRCUIT) and I didn’t have an iota of desire to see it.  To me it looked like another empty Pixar exercise in making a quick buck by doing nothing but pandering to their child audience’s limited intelligence.  But after its overwhelmingly positive reception, I decided to see if I was wrong, and guess what?  I was!  WALL-E is a film that completely surpasses typical family fare to be a sci-fi masterpiece.  The film had an enormous effect on me on all possible levels - visually, emotionally, and intellectually.  The animation is flawless and striking, the characters and story heartwarming, but what makes this a noteworthy Disney picture is the fact that it managed to get away with a subtle but scathing satire that comments on our own rampant consumerism (I’m surprised conservative parents haven’t complained about it attacking a value system that they are probably trying to program their children with.  Then again, it’s probably not surprising it goes over most attention-deficient audiences collective heads).  I certainly would never predict I’d say this, but I believe this was the best film I saw all year, and I think possibly even the best thing Disney has ever done.

 

Honorable mentions:

HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - The sequel to the hilarious buddy comedy HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE surpasses its predecessor, thanks to some biting political satire. The title characters, as well as others (including a returning Neil Patrick Harris as himself), are great, goofy enough to be funny but not so dumb they aren’t relatable, which is a key factor that most movies of this genre have completely forgotten these days.  I think it’s the funniest comedy I saw this year.

THE STRANGERS - Looking back on the year, I noticed that the pickings for horror films were extremely slim.  There’s only a small handful of titles that really stick out in my mind, but the aforementioned DIARY OF THE DEAD and this taut home invasion thriller are a couple that are near the top.  Unlike most works in the genre, it bypasses the blood n’ guts to deliver some genuine suspense and sympathetic performances by Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman (not that there’s anything wrong with the blood n’ guts).

TOP 5 WORST FILMS OF 2008:

5. 88 MINUTES - Al Pacino, still looking tired and burnt out like he usually does these days, and still doing the same kind of manic performance he has for years, headlines this  insipid thriller that is completely devoid of thrills.  It’s a joke that’s been utilized in several reviews, but it’s so true I have to reiterate it: this movie makes 88 minutes feel like 88 hours.  The pace just slogs leisurely through the morass of the pedestrian storyline without any remotely effective suspense or action, but being sure to hit every cliche along the way.  Not to mention it has one of the weakest uses of the R rating ever: a quick flash of female nudity, one F word, and some mild violence, that’s all.  About the only good thing it has going for it are a couple of unintentionally hilarious moments (like the opening credits), and a bevy of eye candy, with the gorgeous Alicia Witt, Leelee Sobieski, and Deborah Kara Unger, but nothing is really done with either of them.

4. 10,000 BC - If you’re going to make a mindless popcorn flick (which director Roland Emmerich has made a career of doing), that’s fine, but you damn well better at least make it amusing.  This half-assed caveman flick was about as exciting as watching paint dry.  I had to struggle to stay awake during this turd in the theater.  Emmerich’s best movie is still the Jean-Claude Van Damme actioner UNIVERSAL SOLDIER.

3. MOTHER OF TEARS - God, what a disappointment, what an utter fucking disappointment.  I sat through this dreck twice (actually one-and-a-half times): first on DVD then again in the theater as part of a Halloween horror movie marathon.  The first time I was dispirited as I had been looking forward to the conclusion to Dario Argento’s Three Mothers trilogy, but found some mild amusement despite the major flaws.  The second time around though those flaws became so glaring they were intolerable, and I left midway through the movie.  Where can I even begin with what’s wrong here?  How about the story, which is a total mess, with huge holes in logic and plot structure.  Sure, even Argento’s classic works don’t have a great sense of realism or rationality, but they have their own kinds of abstract logic which help create a dreamlike mystique.  Here, it’s just executed all wrong, and there are scenes and half-baked plot points that are wholly laughable, some even entering Harry PotterSUSPIRIA territory, and lame-ass dialogue.  There’s the cheesy CGI and intrusive overwrought music which sounds like something from a third-rate black metal band, and the witch who’s supposed to be all-powerful and behind all the mayhem but looks like nothing but a naked goth chick in a dirty t-shirt sprinkled with glitter.  Then there’s the goddamn monkey, which does nothing but elicit chuckles.  It was obvious that Argento was trying to reference his past films in order to appeal to fans, but when somebody tries recycling his own material, it’s never a good sign.  The thing that really irks me is that this is supposed to be a sequel to , which is an absolute masterpiece and one of my favorite all-time horror films.  Dario, a former Italian master of the genre, had been on a steady decline in recent years with tepid efforts like TRAUMA and STENDHAL SYNDROME, but I would go bat for those in an instant over this miserable debacle.

2. LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE - This direct-to-video sequel of the 80’s cult classic was completely unwarranted and is a worthless piece of shit whose only redeemable factor is some unintentional hilarity, inspired mainly by the blatant incestuous overtones.

1. THE LOVE GURU - God, I don’t even know where to begin with this atrocity, except that it’s an all-out assault on human intelligence and should be considered an act of cultural terrorism perpetrated by Mike Myers.  Seriously, the guards at Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib should dispense with waterboarding and consider this as a new means of interrogation - it’s way more excruciating.

And that’s what Nick has for the year of 2008!

Bryan Brassfield runs the website for B-videos 101 and has written and article or two for my print zine Neon Madness. I’ve known him for years and usually our tastes in movies run pretty parallel in a lot of ways. He’s a HUGE comic book fan, as you will see in his top ten of 2008. That’s me (Andy Copp) on the leftand Bryan on the right at Cinema Wasteland spring of 2008.

1.  THE DARK KNIGHT-This was the film I waited all year for and it didn’t disappoint.  It has set the bar on what superhero/comic book movies should be.  In fact you could take 15 minutes out of any part of this film and it’s still better then all three Raimi SPIDERMAN flicks combined.  Fantastic performance from Heath Ledger as The Joker.  Finally the world gets to see a darker Joker and not the clown Nicholson portrayed in Burton’s film.  Also liked the fact that they took a page out of the recent Batman arcs of having him cross some lines and break some laws to get the outcome he thinks is necessary.  Plus it’s the only comic book movie I can think of where the villain wins in the end.  2008 brought on some dark times and this film will be what will represent a very dark period in the world.

2.  THE WRESTLER-Fantastic film that almost took the number one spot from THE DARK KNIGHT.  All the Oscar buzz around Mickey Rourke performance is on target.  Shot in a documentary style we get to follow the 80’s wrestling superstar Randy “The Ram” at the twilight of his career.  Getting into the character we can begin to understand a guy who lived for the adoration of the crowd even though it cost him his family and his body.  This is the type of guy that has to put on a show to serve meat behind a counter at the local supermarket.  Though the character is a “fuck-up” he’s still a decent guy who has never gotten over the fact that his 80’s heyday is over.   The film is “loosely” based on a mish-mash of several 80’s superstars that actually are living the life that is depicted in the film.   You don’t have to be a wrestling fan to appreciate the story and performances of a guy trying for one last chance of making one last success in life in or out of the ring.  A few sidenotes:  great use of 80’s hair metal that actually works in telling part of the story.  Also with all the talk about Rourke performance the same praise should be thrown Marisa Tomei’s way as well.  Her surprising turn as an aging stripper is far from glamorous and would have most actresses passing on the part.  She turns in a great performance and shows that maybe she did deserve that Oscar after all.

3.   HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANMO BAY- A dumb comedy that is actually a lot smarter then what people might think.  Some right on target political humor mixed with laugh out loud gross out/dumb humor makes for the best comedy of the year.  Plus once again Neil Patrick Harris steals the show.

4.  WALL-E- A smart kid’s movie that is enjoyable and makes you think and feel for some robotic characters.  The romance in this film is more real and sweet then the shit that is passed as “romantic comedy’s” are you listing SEX AND THE CITY?  What’s even more surprising is that Disney released this to the public.  I guess they most not have caught the anti-consumerism and the laziness of people in general that was part of the story.  I didn’t think I would like this film, thought it was some sort of CGI SHORT CIRCUIT when I first saw it, but it won me over with it’s message and heart.

5.  DOOMSDAY-Don’t know what it is about this Neil Marshall Post-Apocalyptic/Sci-Fi Action film that won me over, but dammit I had a hell of a good time watching it.  Nice throw back to the 80’s Mad Max clones that were coming out overseas.  This is the closest I will ever getting to see one of them on the big screen.  In fact this film should have been paired with PLANET TERROR, instead of the D.O.A. DEATH PROOF, for the ultimate Grindhouse Double Bill!

6.  IRON-MAN- Another great comic book adaptation that is pretty faithful to the source and is a fun movie.  Solid performances mixed with great comic book action make for a great thrill ride.  Plus it has a great “wait until after the end credit” surprises that has got fanboys drooling with excitement.

7.   HELLBOY 2-THE GOLDEN ARMY-Yet another fun comic book movie that mixes great performances, comic book action and Del’ Toro’s fantastic imagination.  This is fantastic continuation to the Hellboy characters that fleshes them out and develops them into people you care about.  Hopefully we do get a chance to see a third installment and it’s as good as this one.

8.  RAMBO-Stallone brings us the surprising return of a 80’s action star icon that a worthy follow up to the franchise.  It has some things to say about the state of the world and tones the action sequences to make them a bit more believable then just having Rambo being a one man army.  Unlike the resurrection of Rocky this was a very welcome return.

9.  THE STRANGERS-Creepy as hell horror flick with no fancy special effects or gimmicks.  Just some creepy people with scary as shit masks terrorizing two people for a night before they finally decide to end their game of cat and mouse.  Though the film has a few moments of horror film cliche’s the overall all tone and creepiness more then make up for these shortcomings.  I loved the use of music in this film.  The songs they chose had a creepy sound that just made the proceedings even more spooky.

10.  RED-This was a film that stuck with me long after it’s viewing.  This was the only revenge flick that comes to memory that after the wronged man gets his revenge you don’t feel any joy for the person getting their just desserts even though they seem to deserve it.  Fantastic performance from Brian Cox as the old man who has his old dog Red killed by some punk kids.  You want Cox to teach this punk a lesson, but as the story unfolds you just kind of wish the whole thing would just go away and the kid just show some remorse.

A few honorable mentions:  TROPIC THUNDER, HAMLET 2, STREET KINGS, DRILLBIT TAYLOR, STEP-BROTHERS.

Now for my worst.  I’m not going to go after the easy targets of stuff that I knew was crap going in, like the LOVE GURU or CLOVERFIELD, but I will target films that turned out to be big disappointments.  These are not ranked in any particular order because I think they are all equally bad.

1.  INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL-Where to begin other then:  “We waited 9 years for this crap!”   I feel people are giving this garbage a pass just because it’s nice to have Indiana Jones back in action.  Never mind the story is stupid, thanks to George Lucas, and the film is filled with some of the dumbest shit ever put on screen.  Flying Refrigerators from atomic bombs, Shia LaBeouf and the monkeys, and oh yes the aliens.  These guys can make a good Indiana Jones sequel:  see TEMPLE OF DOOM, but they missed the mark on this garbage.

2.  SAW V-Disappointing, pointless and more importantly does not continue the storyline that started in the first SAW film.  These films are not masterpieces by any means, but I have enjoyed their TV show like continuity and they twist and turns they have taken.  This one just decides to be at a standstill and tell us shit we could care less about.  (Yeah I’ve always wondered how they got that fat guy from the first one into the barbwire pit).  This franchise died when Jigsaw did in four.

3.   SPEED RACER-God-awful, ugly, stupid and annoying.  The Wachowski brothers showed that they could make a movie worse then their two MATRIX sequels.  I didn’t think that was possible, but the did it!   Avoid at all cost!

4.  PROM NIGHT-Cross THE HILLS, GOSSIP GIRL, or any of that other crap with a slasher film for wimps and this is the crap you get.  This movie’s plot consists of people doing stupid things that make no logical sense whatsoever other then the fact that it advances the plot.  The people in this film make the FRIDAY THE 13th teens seem like geniuses by caparison. I am dumbfounded that this did so well…on second thought crap like THE HILLS and GOSSIP GIRL are successful with teens so I guess dumb shit like this being successful is not to surprising.

5. MOTHER OF TEARS-Argento’s career continues to go down in the toilet after this embarrassing sequel to the “Three Mothers” trilogy.   It’s amazing that the same man who brought us SUSPIRA can bring us a film about goth hos, witches with fake tits, and as Andy Copp likes to point out a potato sack with glitter on it being the object to end the world.  Ugh!  I’m sure Argento was on the hash when he decided to make this $1 million R-rated version of Harry Potter.

Other crap that need honorable mention:  88 MINUTES, YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN, EAGLE EYE, HOUSE, DAY OF THE DEAD, LOST BOYS 2, and THE HAPPENING.

Yet another of my friends chimes in with their picks for the best and worst of 2008. This time it is the mighty Mike “motherfuckin” Ritchie. Known world wide for his addiction to the heaviest of heavy metal, his worshiping of Ozzy Osborne, his work out habits, and that he directed a little movie called Farmer Joe. He doesn’t claim to be a movie critic and often citicizes the rest of us for sapping the enjoyment out of movies for being too critical (he sometimes has a point there!). So without further ado, what he had to say about 08!

Rambo-even in his 60’s, a juiced up Rambo is fun to watch, it also gives commentary of the heinous crimes and treatment of Burmese inhabitants plus the ending bloodbath is brutal.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster- an excellent, thought provoking documentary on performance enhancing drugs in prowrestling and pro sports.

The Dark Knight-A bit overly long but given I’m not a big comic fan this was really good. Let’s be honest, Heath Ledger’s Joker made this movie, it’s sad we’ll never see a repeat performance. Only other gripe was I didn’t buy the leading lady, at all.

The Strangers-a really creepy, old fashioned suspense thriller. A bit slow moving in the beginning and a few predictable scenes but well worth the watch.

Dimmu Borgir-The Invaluable Darkness Tour- excellent two disk concert film/documentary of one of Norway’s most popular and successful black metal bands. A must for any serious fan.

Red-It’s not so much that I really liked it though it had a good plot and was well acted. The reason I put it in my top best is because from beginning to end it’s probably the most powerfully depressing movies I’ve ever seen.

Arch Enemy-Live Tyrany-A must have concert video/documentary with a killer set spanning the groups history. They show why japanese fans love them so.

The Ruins-I’d call this more action/adventure than horror. Effects are gruesome and as long as you buy into the ‘aztec curse’ idea, it’s fun to watch as a story of survival.

Mirrors-Keifer Sutherland walks around a burned down creepy shopping center. Supernatural events follow. I thought the possessed nun fight was pretty entertaining. Good Flick.

Eagle Eye-a fun, fast paced, chas’em down movie about a computer that tries to take over the country.

Guilty pleasure-
Death Race-haven’t seen the original, but the remake has fast armored cars, plenty of fire power, explosions, hot chicks and the line ‘we’ll see who shits on the sidewalk.’ Gotta love it.

Worst

The Love Guru-an unfunny, tragic, Mike Myers missfire. Two elephants humping in an ice hockey arena says it all. Stick to Austin Powers dude.

Cloverfield-Blair Witch meets Godzilla indeed. A motion sickness inducing film about a chessy cgi monster that destroys the city. My main question about this movie. How can a hand held camera in constant use stay at full battery all day?

Prom Night (remake)- If I was in the target high school senior class of 2008 audience this movie aims for i might have liked it better. Good thing I’m old enough to remember the original, stick with that one.

The Happening-this could have been soooo much better given the talent involved. Mother nature wreaks havoc turning against mankind spreading an invisible plague like dust in the wind. the first comical sympton being the person suddenly starts walking backwards. Good thing it wasn’t forward or they might run into something.

Dishonarable mention-

The Mist-Yes i know it came out last year but this long ass, boring waste of time took 2 hrs of my life i won’t get back, and i saw it on Christmas!!! Not merry at all. basically, sci fi miniseries with sci fi channel cgi effects, overly serious and depressing. Some of the characters were good but unfortunately saw it in the theater so I didn’t have the luxury of the fast forward button. Though i will say, if you watch it as a comedy as i did, it’s fairly watchable.

So that’s Mike’s wrap up of things for 2008. For the record I was with him when he saw The Mist on Christmas 2007, and I couldn’t disagree with him more! But that is a whole other story…

23:46:06
2009-01-01

Matt Brassfield is a friend of mine that makes no budget shot on video movies.  HERE is the link to his website. He also reviews DVD’s on there and is a general troublemaker in the underground arena. Below are his picks for the best and wort of 2008.

1.) Rambo – Any one who really knows me knows that Sly Stallone is one of my favorite directors, writers, actors of all time, And with this new installment to the Rambo franchise he locks in the number one spot. This film shows an aging John Rambo doing what he does best saving the good guys and slaughtering the bad, but wait there is more to it than just that! It takes a look at a real sick problem of genocide in Berma, and when Rambo kicks into gear to save some christians who have came to help, you find yourself cheering for him all the bloody way!  Really this is a must see film.

2.) Incredible Hulk -  The Green Power House of Rage is back in all his destruction glory. This is a re-launch to the Hulk franchise and it pays more respect to the original TV show then the pervious film. With Edward Norton playing Bruce Banner and Tim Roth playing Emil Blonsky who later turns into The Abomination, whom else could you ask for in this cast? Plus it gets down to what you want to see a giant green man fighting the army and a super villain and breaking shit all around. I just Hope Universal gets there heads on straight and decide to make another.

3.) Iron Man – First thing to be said is the same thing everyone who has seen this Marvel movie has said, Robert Downey Jr. was amazing as Tony Stark. The action in this film was stunning in nature and well done, the acting was top of the line and the twist at the end made you want to come back for more. The Iron Man suit looked great both in CGI and in body suit. Well written and acted film indeed.

4.) Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Big Budget action with a SCI-FI twist. Indy is back to save the day from the soviets that are trying to use the crystal skull to get world domination. The action is fun and over the top and it was great to see Ford as Indy again. Sure there was some cheese parts and things that will make your eyes roll but what do you want from a Lucas and Spielberg team up. Over all a fun ride.

5.) X-Files: I want to Believe – Not just another Scully and Mulder looking for Aliens film this time it has a sweet Frankenstein feel. After years of no X-Files the cast returns to the silver screen to deliver a creepy down beat film. People are going missing in a small town and a former priest claims he can see what is happing to the victims, with this strange case the F.B.I calls in Mulder and Scully both whom are wanted for crimes that were committed in the final episode. But when things come to light is this Priest the real deal and who is killing these people and leaving chopped up bodies all over the countryside. Even if it did not do well at the box office this film is worth the watch.

6.) Mother of Tears  - I was really losing faith in Dario Argento with such recent duds like The Card Player and Jenifer under his belt, but I felt better after watching Mother of Tears the third in his Mothers series. The film is not perfect but its fun and over the top. Asia Argento is stunning and is the lead in this film about a powerful witch who is causing chaos in the world, and a daughter of a good witch (Asia) must stop her to save society and herself. Sure the monkey who follows and torments her is funny and lame, but what makes up for that is the extreme gore that takes you back to the golden age of the 80’s Italian Horror.

7.) Punisher Warzone – Frank Castle is back and out for more mob blood. But this time he might have meet his mach in the form of the crazed Jigsaw. Wow what a over the top comic film, its packed with so much violence and the red stuff it almost gave Rambo a run for its money in the gore department. Even though people and critics will have you think this film was horrible I found myself having fun watching it. The Punisher is bad ass and yet loving when need be and Jigsaw is the perfect amount of cheese and crazy. Not the best comic book film but not a horrible one either.

8.) The Strangers – Slow Passed and seems like it might should have been a short, The Strangers is a creepy look at a couple who live out in the boonies and are tormented by a trio of killers who are playing a game of cat and mouse. The acting is good the atmosphere is creepy and the plot feels true to life. The only down fall is the tacked on ending.

9.) Outpost 31 – Dusty Austin is the future of Independent Horror and with this short film he showcases how talented he is. This is about Outpost 31 were a handful of Government workers hide out from the zombie invasion that has taken over the world, but when things go sour it’s up to a brother and sister team to save the world. Wonderfully directed and with quick witty dialogue this is a must watch for Horror fans.

10.) Return to Sleepaway Camp – I have been a fan of the Sleepaway camp films for a long time and was hyped to see this fourth film in the series. And it’s one of the funniest films I have ever seen! I am not sure if its supposed to be but I found myself in tears over the bad acting, horrible special effects and some of the worst one liners I have ever heard. The plot has some fat kid whom none of the other campers like being picked on and finds himself being looked at when murders start running wild in the camp. Again if you want a good laugh check this film out. Oh yeah “Your Ass Stinks”!

11.) The Wizard of Gore – A remake of Hershel Gordon Lewis’s cult film of the same name has to be close to making my top 10 for multiple reasons. First is that the Wizard himself is played by one of my favorite actors Crispin Glover, who does a wonderful job playing a crazed mind warping killer. Second is that the storyline is twisted and keeps you wondering what is going on and does not loose you with its odd ball turns. And third is that the Suicide Girls are the victims of his blood soaked show. The effects are fun, the story is fun just a good remake for once!

Other 2008 films I viewed that did not make the list of best or worst.

Drillbit Taylor, Never Back Down, Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, Matt and Bruce’s First Time, Next Avengers, Texas Vibrator Massacre, Bark at the Moons Scars, Shutter,

WORST

1.) Cloverfield – Bad Plot, Bad Script is just a few problems I had with this over the top pile of dog poo. A Giant monster destroys New York as a dumb ass and his friends try to get across town to save his true love while his bonehead unfunny friend records the events on a mini-dv camera with the world’s longest running battery. Just think 1999 Godzilla Meets The Blair Witch Project.

2.) April Fools Day – Yet another reason why remakes suck! This film has nothing to do with the original and show cases some of the worst I don’t give a shit about them characters ever. The plot is about rich kids who play a prank that ends up killing a young woman, and sends there lives down the tubes, years later they are haunted by her “spirit” or so they think. The films pay off is as weak as Lama’s javelin throw in Revenge of the nerds.

3.) Prom Night – Remake again makes the worst list. This film is about a young woman who is hunted down by a crazed school teacher who is in love with her and even slaughtered her family years before, the hunt takes place on her special night….her senior prom. The killer is lame and not menacing and take him and the cops out of it and you have an episode of MTV’s show THE HILLS. Skip this pile and just watch the original.

4.) Christmas on Mars – The Rock band the Flaming Lips I am sure had good intentions on this armature sc-fi Christmas film, but it suffers from bad dialogue and bad acting in spots. I mean come on add lib something better then “fuck” every time you forget your lines! Over all this film is to be skipped. I will say the film score is ok.

5.) Batman Gotham Knight – The Animated film that came out before the Dark Knight hit the theatres makes my worst list for lots of reasons. Like the fact each short is bland in story and does not live up to any of the other DC animated films. Plus I am not a fan of the style animation they went for and in fact most look just like the previous story drawn again! DC and WB should be ashamed of themselves and make a better animated Batman film.

6.) The Rock: The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment – WWE’s look at the career and success of Dwayne Johnson. Now I really like watching these wrestling Legend look backs but this one has me puzzled like why is it they don’t even talk to The Rock, its not like he has passed away or is on bad terms with the company. Second is that its almost just another ego stroke for the over rated and over protected Triple H, I mean really do we need that many matches against him? And the worse is how rushed the whole thing feels, I mean the guy next to Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart and Steve Austin helped keep wrestling on the map! Come on WWE make a better DVD about this legends career.

7.) Day of the Dead -  Another horrible remake that has zombies who can crawl walls like Spider-Man!!  Not as bad as Day of The Dead 2, this film follows a group in a small town as they try and survive a zombie invasion.

And that is all from Matt. Look for some more of my friend’s thoughts in the next few days on the end of the year round up.

2008-12-30
23:47:31

So here is my best of the year. What a strange year it has turned out to be. Two of my top films are comedies, one of which is written, directed and STARRING Ben Stiller, whom I normally HATE. The same film also stars Jack Black, who I also normally hate!  I also have two comic book films in the list and only one underground movie (though to be fair I didn’t see that many this year). The worst list was actually easier to make. I stopped at five but could have kept going with no problem. Also over the next few days I have invited some of my friends to write me some of their top ten lists as well and I will be posting them on here too.

On with mine!

10. Reality Bleed Through – Jimmy Creamer aka Screamerclauz to all you East Coast rockers, made this intelligent and visually arresting underground horror/sci-fi drama about the end of the world. It deals with Government take over, religious cults, and the destructive belief in god. The visuals in the film are far beyond most at this level but are outdone by the ideas presented. Sure its rough around the edges. But it is MILES beyond most micro-budget epics.

9. Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay – I liked the first Harold and Kumar movie. It is silly fun with some huge laughs. But this one is another beast altogether. As politically savvy as it is hysterically funny this is one of the most biting satires of the Bush administrations politics ever. This movie takes shots at the over riding racism of the war on terror, the uselessness of current drug laws, and the facade that is The Patriot Act, all within the confines of a raunchy teen comedy.

8. The American Drug War: The Last White Hope – This actually aired on Showtime at the very tail end of 2007 but showed up on DVD in 08 and was widely seen then. It is a harrowing and sobering look at how cocaine and then crack was distributed into America with the aid of the CIA and the US Government and disseminated onto the lower income streets of L.A. This movie names names, gives dates, shows histories and uncovers the facts. Those who like to call this kind of thing conspiracy theory can be directed right here.

7. [REC] – Jaum Baleguero and Pace Plaza’s intense “hand held” horror film is still technically unreleased in the United States, which is a shame because it is one of the scariest films of recent memory. It was a HUGE hit in its native land of Spain and was immediately remade here as Quarantine, which is a shot for shot, moment for moment remake. Naturally the Studio’s are keeping the original off the shelves here. I didn’t bother with the remake because the original is such a potent and harrowing beast. Why dilute it by seeing something inferior?

6. The Strangers – Yet another truly scary horror film that did great business. Then horror fans turned around and took a big old shit on it. It wasn’t scary they cried. It was stupid they said. It made no sense, they whimpered. Did you guys see the same movie? This was tense, well drawn had likable lead characters in a relatable situation, and a climax that just crushed you. Until the coda that felt tacked on anyway. I don’t get modern horror fans. You give them something good and they fall over themselves to trash it as if that makes them feel better. I sometimes think they deserve the other crap they get.

5. The Dark Knight – Most have called this the movie of the year. On a technical level I certainly cannot disagree. Everything is in place. It moves with grace and honor. The performances are pitch perfect, especially Heath Ledger who gives us The Joker that we’ve always dreamed someone would deliver. There’s depth here that the other comic book movies have all lacked. It is undeniably a great movie. But… There is just something that doesn’t quite work for me. The lack of Batman’s conflicted soul, or at least a focus on it, really left me wanting. I felt like the movie around it was an incredible well oiled monster, but the soul of the piece was just a little bit not there. Which keeps it out of my top.

4. The Tracy Fragments – Canadian Bruce McDonald directed this intense, experimental character study of a teenage girl gone over the edge into mental instability when her mentally handicapped little brother has turned up missing. Ellen Page does easily her best work to date, which says a LOT after Hard Candy. She switches from hurt little girl, to hyper sexualized nymph, to schizo on the edge of breakdown, sometimes all at once and sometimes only with just her big brown eyes. She’s amazing, and easily the brightest acting talent of her generation. The movie is told through all split screens, sometimes dozens at once, representing her rapidly disintegrating psyche. The style is totally called for by the story and is hard to deal with at first, but ultimately works FOR the film, and is a landmark use of technology as well.

3. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army – I was only lukewarm on the first Hellboy movie. I thought the characters where cool and some of the occult mythology was well done and interesting. But I felt like the studio held Gullermo Del Toro back from really cutting loose. Well, they DIDN’T this time. This movie is simply wonderful, full of imagination, and colorful spectacle but always, ALWAYS, backed by genuine warmth, heart and humanity. Del Toro does something for his creatures that almost no other director does. He genuinely loves them and gives them not only life, but entire worlds to live in. The scene in this movie where they visit the Troll Market is one of those great scenes from a fantasy film that has that rare ability to completely transport you into a complete world. The characters, even the most inconsequential ones, are rich and alive in this movie. There is humor, but never at the expense of said characters. The movie only falters at the end when it presents a climactic wrap up that is something you see coming.

2. Tropic Thunder – Who the hell knew? I never in a million years would have thought that a movie made by and starring Ben Stiller, with Jack Black would be not only so funny, but so good. This is easily the funniest movie of year, with a more laughs per screen time ratio than any movie I can name, but it is to my shock and awe, probably the smartest too. It just savages the Hollywood machine with relentlessness. This would be career suicide in most people’s hands, but Stiller not only pulls it off, he gets the best performances of their careers from Robert Downey Jr., Tom Cruise, and Jack Black. And Nick Nolte pretty great too.

1. Wall-E – Another shocker for me that my favorite movie of the year would be a Disney movie. I still firmly believe that Disney is the devil. But somehow this incredible Science Fiction critique of corporate consumerism culture got through the cracks. This is subversive filmmaking at the ultimate degree. Robert Anton Wilson would have loved this had his rascally ass lived to see it. This is a lovable, cuddly animated kids film from the biggest studio on the planet that ruthlessly SAVAGES the entire idea of our culture of idiocy, greed and consumerism. The idea that the first 20 minutes of the movie as a silent tone poem that defies all modern film conventions, that takes several huge swipes at Walmart is just huge. It is also a frightening cautionary tale about what we are doing to our planet and ourselves with our reckless trash filled lifestyles. Plus it is a heartwarming love story about loneliness and finding someone. Just about a perfect film in damn near every way.
Honorable Mention:

Return To Sleepaway Camp- When I saw the first Sleepaway Camp as a teenager I remember just sitting there in shock. The movie literally hurt my head. The strange mixture of general bad filmmaking, weird characters, sexual loathing and just fucked up stuff was just unlike anything I had ever seen. I’ve seen lots of stuff since then and it still stood on its own. Robert Hiltzik the original director has unleashed a second blast of anal wind from the Camp, and by god if it doesn’t smell just like the first! I think the man is certifiably insane. There are no other movies like these two. Not the purposefully campy Sleepaway Camp sequels, nor any other slasher movies. These things are from planet bizarre that only Hiltzik lives on. This movie is utterly terrible, and what a way for Isaac Hayes to end his career, but I cannot recommend it enough!

And Now The Worst!

5. Snuff: A Documentary About Killing On Camera - This Delirious piece of Shit was reviewed here on Exploitation Nation in an earlier blog so I don’t need to ramble on too much about why it sucks so bad. Suffice to say that it reveals almost nothing about the topic at hand that any one interested in in the subject wouldn’t already know. Plus it trots out a group of “experts” that are so questionable and annoying that you keep hoping that a snuff film featuring them will pop up at any minute. Dig this fucking trailer with stories featuring details that do NOT appear in the final film.

4. Day of the Dead - I’m no fan of the modern remake of Dawn of the Dead, though many people are. But this piece of crap directed by the talent barren Steve Minor makes that thing look like a masterpiece of terror and wit. Any horror movie starring Mr. Maria Carrey, Nick Cannon is off on the wrong foot anyway, but casting Mena Suvari as a hard ass soldier is just lunacy. Then the filmmakers not only break any rules of zombie films (since when do zombies disintegrate in CGI bursts like in BLADE?) but logic in general when they start crawling on ceilings and shit. This is the kind of movie that actually makes you dumber after you watch it.

3. Lost Boys The Tribe - I’m not one of these horror fans with a nostalgia boner for the original Lost Boys. I liked it when I was fifteen. Then I got older and realized it was pretty dumb and mostly aimed at teenage girls. Though I still like most of the music. Apparently so did the writers of this bomb of a sequel because they based the entire story around that “Cry Little Sister” song. Literally what little story there is this time out is based on the lyrics to that song! This time they gotAngus Sutherland, Kiefer’s younger and far less talented half brother to step into the vampire lead. It’s pretty obvious when he got the half of the Sutherland gene pool the acting talent part was left out. The two Coreys are back, with Feldman looking creepily the exact same as he did twenty years ago as Edgar Frog. Haim shows up in the last scene pulling a Jan Michael Vincent, clearly so stoned they have to prop him up to get the shots done. I could rattle on and one about all the ludicrous shit that is wrong with this movie, but it is still better than the next two on this list…

2. Cloverfield - This is what happens when you have a great trailer sucker people into a theater. I still can’t believe there are people who liked this mess. It is like being stuck at a party with a bunch of assholes you fucking hate for several hours. Who cares about the monster, the mass destruction etc. I hated those annoying, self absorbed, wall street wannabe ass jockeys! I actually had to break the movie into two sittings because I hated the characters so much I gave up on it once. The first half hour of the angsty whining is interminable and makes you want to hurl things at the screen. The kid they had “running” the camera should have been called ” Hey Rob” because that is all he fucking says repeatedly for the whole running time. Over and over and over he is going “Hey Rob! Hey Rob! Hey Rob!” Until you hope someone will smash him in the god damn face. The movie gets marginally better when the monster shows up, but then a whole new layer of stupidity arrives with it. Truly a movie so in love with itself that it is painful to watch.

1. The Love Guru -Just look at that poster for more than a minute. I dare you. If you can do that with out an emergency bowel evacuation, or punching your monitor than you are made of strong stuff or brain damaged. Even the poster evokes rage and feelings of uncomfortableness due to the enlarged ego on display. This is a resoundingly unfunny, painful movie that is almost an attack on the senses. Chronicling everything wrong with this would just be reliving it. I will say I did not choose to watch this, I was forced into it on a challenge. It wasn’t worth it in the end. To show there is some justice in the world this bombed at the box office. So naturally Mike Meyer’s is crawling back to the Austin Powers series to make that suck even more than it already does.

Unfortunately there are important movies I have missed this year that probably would have ended up on my list, such as Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and The Strange Case of Benjamin Button all of which I want to see but have gotten past me at this point in time. Considering the end of the year is only days away I don’t see me catching up to them in time. So this list will have to suffice.

So watch this space in the next few days for some of my friends lists. It should be interesting reading to see what they have to say. They have eclectic tastes that differ from mine, so it should be interesting.

See you in 2009!

Andy C

Hell Squad (1987?)
D. Kenneth Hartford
MGM Home Video
Full Screen

When the USA is working on a new and improved version of the Neutron bomb the Middle Eastern terrorist organizations take notice. One of the American diplomats in charge of the program has a son who is morally opposed to the creation of the bomb and is pretty vocal about it. Naturally this gets him into a fight with his pops and when angrily storming outside unguarded he is kidnapped by some Wiley unnamed Arabs. Since any kind of action on the part of the United States would be considered political suicide or an act of war the diplomat puts any kind of solution into the hands of his ASSistant, who comes up with possibly the most cockamamy scheme ever. You think Iron Eagle was goofy?

This gooftard decides to round up a troupe of spunky Las Vegas showgirls (I.E. strippers) and put them through a several week crash course assassination training to make them super soldiers. Then send them into the Middle East (looking a lot like L.A.) to grab his boss’s son. And the big boss dude goes for it! They’re out of options, so they have nothing to lose!

So we get a sweet, sweat filled montage of these young ladies in tight shorts and white tank tops firing guns, running through tires and climbing walls. A drill sergeant puts them through their paces and whips them into shape and in no time they are ready to go into battle!

When they get there they check into the hotel and find a bathtub that is big enough to fit all nine of them, so they immediately climb in together for a hot bath, until they get their call for instructions. Then they go blow up some terrorists encampments but no son to speak of. So its back to the bathtub. Rinse lather and repeat. Meanwhile the son is in some dark hole chained up next to a dead guy. The terrorists come in and tell him that because of the Geneva Convention they have to give him food and water and then proceed to dump the water on him and throw the food on the floor. Those EVIL bastards! Always breaking the Geneva convention, does that sound like anyone we know?

Eventually these girls figure out they are being lead around in circles by their tampon strings and get on the stick to finding the homeboy and blow some more shit up that looks a lot like stock footage, before heading back home to crack the case wide open. There is one fairly good stunt sequence of all of them running to get into an actual moving airplane.

The IMDB says this was made in 1987, but I just can’t believe that. I’d be shocked it it was made anywhere after 1978. It just has that feel of the late 70’s no budget potboilers like Policewoman, or Superchick that Crown International put out.  1987 is about a decade too late for that craze. By then the movies coming out to VHS were a LOT slicker than this movie is, or way more low budget (shot on tape). This is pretty low budget but still got some props, costumes, planes, jeeps, guns, and girls to take off their tops. The sight of these girls with fetish army costumes, high boots and machines guns is something to behold. As is the opening scene at which the neutron bomb has been tested and flunkies in banana suits are clearing up the charred remains of the animals they used in the blasts. They are picking up pieces of ropes or collars and saying ” Dude this used to be a dog!” “Oh man This one was a whole elephant. And now its just…gone!” I mean, that’s what a neutron bomb is supposed to do, but it doesn’t make the dialogue any less fucking goofy.

Lastly I am amazed Quinton Tarantino has leaped onto one of his coke feuled bandwagons and put the hot tracks onto remaking this thing. Its the perfect film to do it with. It has action, violence, politics, Beautiful woman who can become empowered as the story goes by. This first film is pretty much bloodless and only a little bit of boobs. But you goof remake it and go for brook and make it dead serious, hard R rated material. If he don’t want to do it, then fucking call me and produce and I will direct it! I KNOW I can make a kick ass movie out of it!

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the guy who gets his face eaten off by a tiger. That was pretty cool.

2008-12-22
02:24:48
ANdy C

Just got this bit of news when I logged on today…

Navarre shuts down BCI Elipse

Corporation looks to reduce costs due to recession

By Susanne Ault — Video Business, 12/17/2008

DEC. 17 | Navarre Corp. is shutting down the primary licensing operations of its in-house label BCI Eclipse in order to reduce costs in the current recession.

As part of this decision, Navarre will be reducing its workforce and writing down assets. Going forward, BCI’s exclusively distributed disc business will be folded into the corporation’s distribution unit. Its BCI brand is not expected to be stamped on future releases. Among former BCI-managed titles now distributed by Navarre Distribution Services is the ongoing Ultimate Fighter mixed martial arts releases.

Retro TV titles, featuring the licensed He-Man and She-Ra series, have been among the label’s more popular titles.

Current BCI president Bob Freese will be in charge of the company restructuring. Its expected that about 10 employees will be losing their jobs with the label’s closure. Navarre did not specify layoffs and did not further comment about executive departures.

Navarre CEO Cary Deacon said that BCI needed adjusting because it has been an unprofitable business for the last two years.

The company did not quantify the number of BCI-related layoffs. But Navarre expects that its fiscal 2009 third-quarter results for the period ending Dec. 31 will include a significant charge due in part to severance costs.

Navarre hopes to complete the restructuring, which is part of the company’s general strategy to lower costs, by the end of January 2009.

“To deal with the effect of the recession, we are moving quickly to decrease expenses in all areas of our business,” said Deacon. “Rapidly changing conditions in the licensing and budget DVD markets during this holiday sales season have prompted us to make more fundamental changes. We continue to be very excited about the DVD content that will now be exclusively sold and marketed through Navarre Distribution Services. These changes will allow us to focus our efforts on growing the sales of the DVD content that is most appealing to our retail customers and consumers.”

BCI was one of the best companies out there and a personal favorite. Many of the reviews here at Exploitation Nation have been of their product and they were one of the few companies I have continued to support ad nausium. They put out the Exploitation Cinema Lines, distributed the Code Red titles (which had an INCREDIBLE line up for the upcoming year), and the Spanish Horror line which had already went under from apathetic buyers (you stupid fuckheads, those Paul Naschy discs wear among the best on the market!).  The Savage Street 2 disc edition was one of the BEST dvd releases of last year, restoring a sleaze classic to pristine condition with tons of extras, putting it into landmark status, and they did great work on lesser titles like Final Exam as well. They also supplied great nostalgia fair like the Dungeons & Dragons and He Man cartoons. But most loved by consumers were the Drive-In sets that you could pick up for around ten bucks. Ten movies, usually about half of them unreleased for a ten spot, almost all from the awesome Crown International library of slimy sleaze and horror. Many letterboxed and a couple even with commentaries. The company was started to have quality issues here latey (see my reviews of the Exploitation Cinema lines) but no other company has been constantly delivering the grindhouse goods at such an affordable price.

This corporate restructuring means that this good shit is now all going to be GONE. The niche programming is out the window in an effort to cater to big business. The mention of the UFC tapes being successful is a sign post of the future. More sports related dvd and no more horror/cult stuff. I mean they FIRED the staff who produced the stuff for Christ’s sake.

I only partially blame the company though. They were at least putting out the product. But if people weren’t buying it then maybe they were forced to make this decision.  And unlike other companies much of their material made it into Best Buy and other Brick and Mortar stores as well as sold at very reasonable price points. No, I largely blame THE FANS. Fans that claim they are horror and cult fans, but pass up this “old stuff” to buy the latest repackaging of the Saw franchise, or something else Hollywood has farted out. The fans that would rather just rent it at Netflix than support a company that is trying to put out something worthwhile. I understand we are all in touch with hard economic times here. But if you can afford to buy a new I-phone every two months, or other new gadgets, then you have some disposable income. Hell, the money fans spend on a new issue of Fangoria every month could have bought a new release from BCI. But the biggest disappointment is the downloaders. I’m guilty too, I bittorrent like everyone else, but I try to keep it to stuff I’m not able to find from anywhere else. It burns me when I see people post whole discs from struggling companies such as Code Red, Synapse or Severin and people swarm over them. These people helped KILL this company.  We’ve fostered a culture that wants something for nothing and has no concept of the outcome. Here is the outcome folks. The company was putting out the great shit you guys were taking and giving away for free? They have stopped now. They FIRED the people responsible for those releases and canceled the future releases. Say thanks guys.

Let’s hope Code Red at least is able to find another distributor to pick them up so they can continue. But in this market place it seems grim.

This is the saddest news for cult fans in a while.

Andy C